How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
