There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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