she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Randomize
