so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
