The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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