Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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