My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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