I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
