New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
