He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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