How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
