my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
