john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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