Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
