i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
