I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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