So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
