please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
