i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
operation have a gay friend backfired
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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