Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
