my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
