Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
