The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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