Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
