I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Randomize
