He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
