Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
50% drunk capacity currently
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
