I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
