i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
