what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
