When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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