I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I checked into jail on foursquare
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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