remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You took a bar mat shot.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Text me some of your sweat
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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