I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i out mim tonsoeep
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