the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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