I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
