just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
