If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
