i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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