Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I want to stick my p in your. b.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
