"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
