As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
