My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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