you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
50% drunk capacity currently
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
