Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
