life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
