Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
