I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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