my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
