insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
