Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Randomize
