i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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